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The veneer of adulthood wears thin after a few decades. There’s a pause that sounds like a hiccup in the middle of a weather forecast.  It resets thoughts.  It rearranges beliefs.

Maybe it’s overwhelming, contemplating the vastness of life and realizing that my significance has no more weight than the dot at the end of this sentence.  Maybe I shrink at some visceral level to keep claim to “me”.

I am a stranger who may or may not exist without the largesse of other strangers who believe that I, in fact, am here, in all my crazy, continually failing glory.

A terrible sadness overwhelms me at times when reverence and serene solitude are the expected emotional states.  That muddy and dark grief is a lonely blacktop that unrolls as far as my eye comprehends. It always appears like a faithful mourner that shows up to every funeral because it’s supposed to show up.

Where it comes from–who knows?  I have determined that I must make friends with it, hold it close to my heart and no longer treat it as an adversary to be conquered but a worthy opponent deserving of vigilant respect.

 

 

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Writing is easy–when you’re not doing any

Ideas come out of nowhere like hitchhikers that materialize on a shimmering highway, trudging along, waiting to be transported to new places

I pass them by because hey, I’m going somewhere, but I’ll swing back by in a couple of hours.

Damn.  Gone, the whole lot of them.

Must have been a mirage.  Maybe someone else picked them up and carried them to an exotic destination

I’ll see some more.  I’ll keep watching.  Next time, I will stop wherever I’m going and give them all the respect and attention they deserve.

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I swear, technology is going to drive me to drink . . . heh, heh.

I have spent three hours trying to find this site on WordPress so that I could post some innocuous shit, possibly something about hearts and flowers.  It was going to be good, so good, that I would immediately gain thousands of followers within a day.

And it happened.  My site disappeared.  Well, it didn’t actually disappear, but it existed on another plane that I had no access to, for some reason.  Every time I tried to sign in, the message popped up that I didn’t have a site, would I like to create one?

What the actual hell??  I could see my site plain as day from going through another blogger, and it was just as pristine as the day it was born, but I couldn’t get to it.

It was like being in a bakery and seeing those luscious cakes and not being able to buy a damned thing.

So, I cursed.  I ranted. I raved.  I checked my server settings.  I went back through my emails.  I cursed some more.  I made guttural growling sounds that drove the kitties to hide under the chairs.  I paced.  I drank a Coke Zero (they’re actually pretty good), I chewed a nail, I sighed, I tried the community forums.

And then, it happened.  I signed in again, and there it was!  Much as I would like to blame this on the nefarious doings of Mr. Google and Madame WordPress, it was solely on me and my blithely using my other page to sign in to, which properly said, hey, you really don’t have a site–UNDER THIS NAME.

I truly hope I can remember what the hell I did to get here, because I do not want to go through this again in order to post the best blog entry of 2018.

Of course, I have another problem involving bluehost and my new website, but that is another story and another long rant somewhere in the next few days.